


No Such Thing as a Night with no Dawn

by minikawa



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Isolation, M/M, Mentioned Character Death, also pour one for carillo, everyone is in mourning, hes trying to be a good partner/boyfriend, i miss him, im back at it again with the tears im so sorry, javi is so broken (im so sorry bby qq), post season2 ep4, steve being supportive and comforting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:22:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29831103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minikawa/pseuds/minikawa
Summary: Javier shuts himself away as he copes with the guilt of Carillo's death. Steve notices his partner's absence and looks after him from the other side of the door, waiting for Javier to open up again.
Relationships: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	No Such Thing as a Night with no Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> hello my friends! i originally wasn't planning to write anything today, but then i ended up having another rough depressive episode again...and so, here's my way of coping: writing angst abt the boys being sad. im so sorry q.q 
> 
> this one was inspired by a couple of hecking amazing fics that yall should check out! Wont You Stay Until the AM by claveldelaire, Waiting On the Second Wind by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat, and Dont Put Your Life At Risk for Me by pedromiamor. These are all such wonderful emotional works that made me wanna explore Steve being comforting toward Javi in this one, so please go read them! 
> 
> Title is from the song Until Your Night Dawns by Cereus
> 
> this one was heavy for me to write, but it came from a deep place in my heart, and i hope you guys can still enjoy <33

_ Tick. Tick. Tick.  _

It was all Javier could hear as he lay curled on his side in the bed. Every  _ tick  _ felt like another year passing by. On any other day, he would have found the sound irritating. But for the past six hours, the relentless ticking had been his only salvation. If he concentrated on the ticking, then he couldn’t think about the night before, couldn’t hear the screeching ambulance sirens, couldn’t see the blood and the body sprawled across the concrete-

_ Tick. Tick. Tick.  _

Javier had called in sick this morning. Messina’s voice on the other end of the phone had been understanding, a tone he had never thought he would hear from his normally-stringent boss. A part of him felt pathetic for spending his hours curled within the covers instead of going out there and catching the sick sons of bitches who continued to rain terror on the streets of Medellin, the same bastards who murdered Carillo the other night. 

Carillo. 

Javier wondered what Carillo would think of him now. What would he say if he saw him like this? He could almost hear his friend’s stern words, urging him to get his ass up, put on his war face, and keep fighting. Carillo always knew the right things to say to boost morale. His strength and his presence had been enough to reassure his men of another victory in battle. 

But Carillo was gone. 

_ And it’s all my fault-  _

Three knocks on the door broke Javier out of his drifting thoughts. “Javi?” he heard Steve’s muffled voice from the other side of the door. “Jav, it’s me. Is everything okay?” 

Javier wanted to drag himself out of his bed, fling the door open, and see his partner’s face. A part of him yearned for the company, something to distract himself from the guilt. 

But he felt so heavy. He couldn’t bring himself to rise up to the door, to face his partner. Not after his failure. 

“I just came by to drop off some food,” Steve said. “I stopped by the market really quick, and I thought I’d pick something up for you, so you don’t have to worry about cooking anything tonight.” There was a faint rustling, and Javier could envision Steve taking something out of a grocery bag, laying it gently on the floor. 

“Missed ya today, man. It isn’t as much fun not having a partner to annoy,” Steve chuckled dryly. “Rest up, okay? If you ever need anything, you know where to find me.” 

Javier listened as Steve’s footsteps grew faint until they were gone entirely. Something panged in his chest. Steve had only been there for less than five minutes, and Javier already felt an ache from his absence. It took him half an hour to scrounge up the strength to drag himself to the door and bring the food inside his room. 

Another night passed. 

Another day. 

Another night. 

Each night, Javier awoke gasping desperately for air, shaking from violent nightmares of Carillo’s death. 

Another day. 

Another night.

And every night, Steve stopped by Javier’s door. He would knock three times without expecting Javier to answer, just to let him know that he was there. And every time, he would leave something by his door: one night, a fresh home-cooked meal. Another night, an expensive bottle of whiskey. Tonight, Steve left behind a box of sweets wrapped in a rather messy but sincere attempt at a bow. 

“It isn’t much, but I hope it cheers you up...at least a little bit,” he said before he left, and Javier could envision the crooked smile on Steve’s face. He heard him sigh. “Whenever you’re ready...I’ll be there for you.” 

Javier buried himself further into the blankets, hugging the box that Steve had left behind close to him. He didn’t deserve this. 

Another day passed. 

Another night. 

Another day. 

Another night. 

Another day...the day of the funeral. Messina had called, asking if he wanted to attend and say his final goodbyes to Carillo. 

How could he face Carillo’s family after what he had done? How could he look the man’s wife and children in the eye, knowing that their father had died because of his failure? He had no right to be there, no right to be in the presence of all those who had loved Horacio Carillo after he had taken him away from them through his mistakes. 

_ This is all your fault. All your fault. ALL YOUR FAULT-  _

Three knocks at the door. Javier flinched at the sound, raising his head from the blankets as he looked toward the doorway. 

“Javi? It’s me again,” Steve’s voice said from the other side. “I just came back from...from the funeral.” 

Shame burned in Javier’s gut. He had been so wrapped up in his own guilt, that he had forgotten that his partner felt the impact of Carillo’s loss as well. And yet, despite his own burdens, Steve still made the time to drop by every day...to leave food by his door, to tell him about his day, to reassure him that he wasn’t alone. And all this time, Javier couldn’t summon the courage to open the door and look his partner in the eye. 

“Javi, listen...this isn’t your fault.”

_ Please don’t. _ Javier took in a shuddering breath, closing his eyes.  _ We both know why he’s gone.  _

“You...we didn’t know what would happen,” Steve continued. “We did the best with what we got. No one blames you for what happened...and Carillo wouldn’t blame you either.” 

Javier’s chest clamped from the inside. 

“If Carillo were here, he’d drag you out of this room himself,” Steve gave a small dry laugh. “He’d tell you to stand tall and proud, or something inspirational like that. He’d tell you that he would gladly give his life if it meant getting closer to catching that son of a bitch Escobar...he wouldn’t leave you behind.” Steve trailed off, and Javier could hear a slight hitch in his voice. “Carillo would never abandon any of his guys...and that includes you. He would never leave you behind...and neither will I.” 

Javier’s eyes stung as they opened. His vision blurred from the tears that threatened to spill. He tried to blink them away, only for new tears to form around the corners of his eyes.

“Even if you blame yourself, even if you hate yourself...I’m not gonna let it stop me from reaching out to you.” Steve’s voice had begun to shake, and still he fought to get the words out. “We’re going all in, remember? D-Do you remember that first day? R-Remember when I said...i-if we’re gonna be partners, then I don’t wanna get left behind? That shit applies to you too. If we’re gonna be partners, then I’m not leaving you behind either, dammit!” He heard Steve’s hand slam against the wall. 

“No matter how much you blame yourself, no matter how much you convince yourself that you don’t deserve it, it won’t be enough to make me leave you! It won’t stop me from coming by every day to make sure that you’re still fucking breathing! B-Because it  _ hurts  _ to see you isolating yourself! It  _ kills  _ me knowing there’s nothing I can do to help! BECAUSE I  _ LOVE  _ YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO THROUGH THIS ALONE!”

They both had shattered now. Steve was crying on the other side of the door, and Javier could no longer hold back his own tears. Javier hadn’t cried on the night Carillo was killed, nor on the days he spent wasting away in his bed. The horrors of this war had taught him how to seal away his pain, how to drown them out with alcohol and sex. In this line of work, there could be no room for weakness…

Until the seal had finally been broken. Javier buried his face in his pillow, stifling his own cries. He clutched his chest as he gasped, releasing the burning shame and guilt he had allowed to fester in his being. He wanted to run to the door, fling it open, and throw himself into Steve’s arms, to ask him how could Steve love someone like him, to hide away in Steve’s protective hold. Yet he felt so fucking weak and exhausted. All he could do was reach out toward the door with a trembling hand, grasping for something he longed to hold. 

“I-I’m not gonna fucking give up on you,” Steve gasped through his own tears. “W-We’re all in, dammit...I won’t leave you, Javi. I love you too much to leave you...”

The words pierced through Javier’s heart like a bullet. Even after so many screw-ups on his part, after so many mistakes and failures…

Steve still loved him.

~

Javier hadn’t realized when he had fallen asleep. The difference between the waking world and the sleeping one blurred in these past few days of numbness. The piercing in his heart lingered, however. Javier’s hand rested on his chest, where he felt Steve’s words settling within him. 

Steve most likely left by now. And as with his usual visits, he probably left some food for Javier outside the door. Summoning all of his strength, Javier willed himself out of bed and slowly creaked the door open…

To his surprise, he found a sleeping Steve slumped against the wall. He was hugging his knees to his chest, face buried in his arms. His shoulders rose and fell with every light breath. 

How long had Steve stayed by the door, waiting for him, making sure he was alright, protecting him? A million thoughts rushed through Javier’s mind, and yet none were able to articulate the overwhelming wave of love that flooded his heart. Javier felt new tears forming in his eyes. He sniffled and wiped them with the back of his hand as he slowly sat by his sleeping partner’s side. After days of lying alone in a cold bed, Javier was feeling the warmth of another being by his side. The warmth of the man he loved. 

Closing his eyes, Javier gently rested his head against Steve’s shoulder. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “I won’t leave you behind this time.”   
  


**Author's Note:**

> Not shown: Carillo looking down upon them from Heaven and being like "About time", he always knew those two were gonna confess one way or another...he's just sad he didn't live to see it
> 
> I'm so sorry Q.Q
> 
> I hope I did okay with this one! Please let me know what you guys think, and feel free to yell at me, I deserve it :'))


End file.
